Here you will find the very best of our wit and wisdom offered in days gone by. Got an opinion you'd like to express? Send it to us. Keep it clean and we'll use it.
Victims Sue Gun Makers. Who's Next?
Jane Fonda: Super Moron
You want to Stop Gun Violence?
The Truth is Worse than the Lies
Death of the Tobacco Deal
How Much Better Life is Without the Evening News
More B.S. on the Tobacco Front
Why we Need 100,000 new Cops
U.N. Council on America Bashing Convenes in New York
Smoke More, Save Our Kids
The Supreme Court Unanimously Rules Against Clinton
Amnesty International Raves about Texas Execution Rate
Jacksonville Jury Rules Against 30-Year Smoker
The Era of Big Government is Over?
Inside the Mind of a Liberal
Why Sports Stars Make Lousy Analysts
Is Jordan Worth 30-mil?
VICTIMS SUE GUN MAKERS. WHO'S NEXT?
I have had enough of this. Every time I turn around there's news of some smarmy bunch of trial lawyers suing a corporation because they are somehow responsible for the actions of (one would assume) responsible adults. First its tobacco because, Lord knows, smokers were duped into thinking cigarettes are good for you. That coughing and phlegm is natural. Its healthy. Light another. Now its guns. Its the gun manufacturer's fault that some worthless piece of human debris decided to use a gun to kill someone.
Next question is, who's next? Where does it end? These do-gooder lawyers who claim to be suing for the good of the public are just lining their pockets with easy money because the American people are so damn stupid. Lets face it, if a woman can win a lawsuit blaming McDonalds for the coffee she spilled on her own crotch, you can sue just about anybody, for any reason, and expect to win.
How did we become so gullible? Is it the 60's counterculture that blames evil corporations for all our societal ills? Or are we just too lazy to take responsibility for our own lives? I figure its a mixture of both. The 60's liberals run most everything from government to the media to academia nowdays, and its those nitwits who think its cold-hearted and cruel to expect welfare recipients to work for a living, who call the automobile the greatest threat to the planet, and who glibly tell you they "feel your pain" and who do everything they do "for the children." And its just too darn easy to be a lazy-ass and say it doesnt matter. Doesn't affect me, I don't own a gun, I don't smoke. Why should I care?
You should care because we're not talking about guns or tobacco. We're talking about freedom. Freedom we all-too-often take for granted and are content to sit by and watch be taken from us. If tobacco is so damn horrible, ban it. But the anti-smoking Nazis won't do that, its too big a cash-cow. Too much money to make by suing the manufacturers or passing "tobacco legislation." Same thing with guns. They can't ban the things because, well, they'd be up to their armpits in 2nd amendment types who'd storm the White House and toss the bums out on their ears. Ever heard the phrase "fear the government who fears your gun?" Well, it's a sentiment echoes all across the country. A bunch of pointy-headed Ivy League peaceniks who don't like your guns would love to take them from you (which, anyone with half a brain knows, would result in criminals having guns and innocent citizens being defenseless). Since they know they can't outlaw them, they'll sue them.
Back to the next question? Who's next? Sport Utility Vehicles and light trucks. Its not fair that you are safer in your SUV than the doofus who bought a Yugo. Everyone should be forced to drive small cars so we can all be equally likely to die horrible deaths on the highway. Makes sense, right? How about fatty foods? All these years we've been eating at McDonalds and, hey! nobody told me how much fat and calories are in this stuff. I'm a victim! They even use a clown to entice children to eat this stuff! Don't laugh. A number of ivory-tower liberal thinkers in the great Northeast have already come to this conclusion, and are serious. They're eating tofu and alfalfa sprouts and they can't be happy doing it by themselves, they want you to have to eat that crap as well.
Its happening now because it hasn't hit us close to home yet. Someday it will. They'll decide that something you like is dangerous and that you can't have it because you're not smart enough to know whats good for you. And when they do, they'll tax it or sue it and another of our freedoms will be lost forever.
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A VICTORY FOR COMMON SENSE
In a time when personal responsibility is a foreign concept, when a woman can spill hot coffee in her lap and then sue the people who sold it to her, it's refreshing to see a jury in Jacksonville, Florida, win
a victory for common sense. The six member panel found that RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company was not responsible for the death of 49-year-old Jean Conner.
Conner, a 30-year-three-pack-a-day smoker, died of cancer related to her smoking habit and, on her death-bed, blamed her condition on RJR, manufacturer of her brands of choice, Winston and Salem cigarettes. Her family filed suit.
While her death is certainly lamentable, the notion that RJR is directly responsible is idiotic. It is akin to playing Russian roulette, blowing your head off, and having your family sue Smith & Wesson.
But such a claim is really not surprising, considering the nation of victims we live in. Homosexuals are victims of AIDS, criminals are
victims of poverty, alcoholics are victims of alcoholism, the homeless are victims of Reaganomics, and smokers are victims of the tobacco industry. Yet to suggest that changes in behavior might reduce or eliminate the risk of becoming a victim of any of these maladies is foreign to liberals. It is called cold-hearted and cruel.
We applaud the Jacksonville jury's decision and hope that this sudden outburst of common sense is not the last.
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HANOI JANE DOES IT AGAIN
Jane Fonda, our favorite traitor, has again opened that big mouth of hers and let people know what she really thinks of them. Last time it was about the south, specifically north Georgia. She told a UN group that parts of north Georgia were like a third-world country with people living in tar-paper shacks and children starving to death. This was too much even for Georgia's liberal democrat governor who fired off an angry rebuke and forced Fonda to eat her words the next day.
Well, now she's done it again. At a gatheringof some kind of liberal wackos (perhaps another UN thing) she claimed that the "Religious Right" in this country only care about children if they are rich, white and Christian. The rest, she said, could be exterminated. In other words, Christians in this country are racists who care only for rich, white, Christians. Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, poor people, Muslims, and Jews be damned.
As my step-father once said, its a shame we didn't drop a bomb on her in Hanoi when we had the chance.
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THE MIND OF A LIBERAL
A caller to a mid-day talk show on NPR recently complained (as any American should) that her taxes were just too high. She was appalled by how much of her money went to good old Uncle Bill. The host's response was a stunning look into the mind of a liberal. I knew they weren't normal, but I didn't realize the extent of it.
What did she say? She told the caller that in Europe people pay much higher taxes. She even went so far as to say that she had a close
friend who looked forward to April 15 every year and was more than happy to pay up.
So, we should accept our tax policies because it could be worse. Aren't we lucky?
And as for her friend, remember what they say about fools and their money.
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PROOF THE ERA OF BIG GOVERNMENT LIVES ON
A package of spending measures now being debated in congress would, among other things, provide disaster relief for victims of the flooding in the midwest. Attached to the bill is a rider which would prevent future government shutdowns. Not a bad idea, right? Wrong. The rider would fund the operations of the Federal government, in the event
of a budget impasse, at 100-percent of the previous year's spending levels.
This is the main stumbling block for presidential approval. Clinton calls it a poison pill and has called on congress to stop playing politics. Tsk, tsk. What he really
wants is the ability in future to once again conspire with the labor unions to shut the government down and then blame the supposed hardships that result on Republicans.
With Bill Clinton on the verge of becoming the first President to increase spending in every year of his administration, it is obvious that the idea that the government might not grow is unimaginable to liberals.
Yes, the era of big government is over, friends. Overdue, that is.
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A VICTORY FOR COMMON SENSE, PART 2
The Liberal Left-Wing Media was stunned (as, I am sure, was the White House) when the Supreme Court announced a unanimous decision to allow Paula Corbin Jones to proceed with her sexual harassment lawsuit against the President. Irrespective of politics, this was a stunning show of common sense. The real question facing the Court, is William Jefferson Clinton the President, or the King? Is any man above the law? Their resounding answer -- no.
The liberal media howled in despair. "This is the end of the Country!" "The Presidency has been permanently degraded!" "It will assuredly interfere with the President's busy schedule and the Republic will grind to a halt!"
Only the man in the office can degrade the office itself, and boy, has this guy done a bang-up job or what?
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AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL GOES LOOPY
Amnesty International reported recently that Texas is executing criminals so fast that it is catching up to Iran, Iraq, and Saudi Arabia. This hysteria comes as a result of the Lone Star State's execution of 8 criminals in May, with 10 more slated to die in June.
Let us thank the state of Texas for removing these threats to society and not sending them back to us on parole or weekend furloughs (a la Willie Horton). Praise be unto the people of Texas for upholding the law and making criminals pay for their acts. All too often we look to excuse bad behavior, to rationalize the terrible things some people do. But not in Texas, by God!
According to William Schulz, executive wacko of Amnesty International USA, "When murder by the state is officially condoned, we are that much further away from teaching a general respect for life."
Respect for life?
When clinics in this country execute 1.5 million babies each year, where is the outrage from Amnesty International? Where are the headlines, "Planned Parenthood Worse than Iran and Iraq"? The irony is so thick I'm gagging on it.
It seems that it's fashionably compassionate to kill the innocent before birth. But by God, don't execute those criminals.
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SMOKE MORE, SAVE OUR KIDS
Does it strike anyone as strange that cigarettes are considered so dangerous to the lives and heath of our children (or ''chowdren'' as Joyslyn Elders would say), that we are encouraging people to do more of it?
As part of the 300 billion dollar extortion deal between the tobacco industry and 40 state attorneys general, part of the settlement would include money paid by the industry to help fund
health care for kids. In addition, the new budget talks include suggestions to raise cigarette taxes to supplement such a program.
So the logical conclusion is, if you don't smoke cigarettes, you don't care about health insurance for kids. These woosy liberals insist that they want people to kick the habit. But if their insurance scheme is to work, the government needs more and more smokers to help pay the tab.
Why not ban the stuff if it's so damned dangerous? Just ban it!
No, can't do that. If you do, the industry can't pay the settlement and help pay for insurance for kids, and the trial lawyers wouldn't get their 25-percent cut.
So, you see friends, these bleeding heart libs don't give a damn about health care for kids, or quitting smoking. All they care about is money. And, since big tobacco interests
are traditionally allied with Republicans, it's a win-win situation. Clinton can look like a do-gooder, fighting for the health and safety of our kids, while fleecing one of the GOP's staunchest allies and padding the pockets of the trial lawyers who will, in turn, contribute to his defense fund, or to Al Gore's 2000 campaign, or some other bull----.
It's all about money friends. Money and power.
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WHY WE NEED 100,000 NEW COPS
On Tuesday, July 1, a new law goes into effect in Los Angeles that would effectively ban the use of (I am not making this up) gas powered leaf blowers within 500 feet of a residence. That's right. Violators are subject to up to 1,000 dollars in fines and/or jail time. Why, you ask?
Because these machines pose a threat to society...they pollute! Heaven forbid! Dear God, what is this world coming to?
The environmentalist loonies in the city of angels have decided that they can't stop you from driving your cars (though they wish they could) so they'll make everything else illegal. As Monty Python would say, this is just how Nazi Germany got started. A bunch of aggrieved weirdos want to restrict your freedoms.
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U.N. CONFERENCE ON AMERICA BASHING CONVENES IN NEW YORK
The second United Nations Conference on the Environment convened in New York last month to lament the sorry state of the environment and the lack of progress since the first Earth Summit in Rio five years ago. Then President Bush refused to attend. He saw it for what it really was: a bunch of third world greenie weenies looking for any chance to bash the U.S. and her way of life.
Turn the page. 1997 rolls around and President
Clinton trots down to the U.N. and gives a speech about the impending doom we all face as a result of global warming. Gasp!
A few thoughts...
- Did these nuts walk, swim, or ride horseback to New York?
- Did these environmentalist wackos take mass transit to get around in the city?
- Did these idiots use hand and ceiling fans to cool themselves as they complained about rising temps?
The fact is that these third world America bashers, Al Gore and the nut patrol, fly around the world in their jet planes, and are chauffeured around in stretch limos, burning fossil fuels and polluting the air while traveling to summits to speak about the evils of pollution. They sit in air conditioned comfort while writing resolutions decrying the proliferation of Chloro-fluoro-Carbons (CFCs).
The bottom line is this: They are unabashed hypocrites. Liars. Idiots. Pseudo-Scientists.
Consider their cause celebre, Global Warming. In school you probably learned about the scientific method. Simply put, the scientific method means this: you form a hypothesis, a guess. You do research to support your hypothesis. If your findings are contrary to your hypothesis, you change the hypothesis. If they support your hypothesis you continue to test. If many, many others support your hypothesis through their own experimentation, the hypothesis becomes a theory. This is the underlying method to all scientific research. But not with environmental science. If environmentalists find contradictory evidence, or as is often the case, evidence that totally debunks their hypotheses, they toss out the evidence. Third graders would flunk science class if they did research like this.
Don't buy into the hysteria, folks. The only hot air we need to worry about is coming from Al Gore and Bill Clinton.
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IS JORDAN WORTH 30-MIL?
A recent comment from my sib during a hotly contested game of computer basketball got me thinking. Appalled, is he, that professional athletes make as much money as they do. You know the argument. You've probably used it
yourself. A crime, it is, that they make so much and teachers so little. (Why the teaching profession is always the unit of measure I'll never fully understand, but it is.)
This is a scary, commie-pinko-liberal tendency which might be a side effect of our being reared by educators. I know the answer to this puzzler, now that I have shed fully the slimy skin of my former liberal life.
(The fact that I am a sports fanatic and my brother is lukewarm toward sports in general might explain our different views on this subject, as well.)
When fans go to see a professional sporting event, they go to see their favorite professional players. Thus, the players generate the wealth that a team earns in gate receipts, concessions, and merchandise. After all, nobody comes to see Jimmy Johnson
go one-on-one with Marv Levy. (Though it might be an interesting event.)
Since players are the money makers, owners are compelled to sign players who will pack their stadiums and sell their merchandise.
If an owner has a team full of players who are willing to play for say 30-grand a year -- nobodies essentially -- then that owner will soon be out of business. Ask the NFL how successful their experiment with low-cost replacements went back in the 80's.
Consider this example: same concept, different industry. Marvel Comics couldn't keep their best artists, figuring any old artist will do. So now Marvel's in bankruptcy while the artists are penning the fastest selling comic in the land for someone else.
My question is, why is this old cliche only asked of sports stars? Why not as the same of, say, CBS news anchor Dan Blather, or actor Tom Hanks, or musicians like U2? Are these people worth more to society, than
a teacher...Depends on the teacher.
But seriously, the answer is, obviously, no. But people are not paid based on their worth to society. Is Michael Jordan worth 30-mil to society?
No. Is he worth 30-mil to the Chicago Bulls? You bet. Is it up to society to tell the Bulls how to spend their money? No way. To do so
is not capitalist, it's socialist.
When teachers can pack stadiums with students who will pay to hear them teach and will buy t-shirts with their pictures on them, maybe they can
pull down seven or eight figure salaries, too.
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WHY SPORTS STARS MAKE LOUSY ANALYSTS
Did anyone watch pre- and post-fight commentary on ESPN following the Holyfield-Tyson bite fest? It was a stunning example of what not to do when looking for experienced athletes to serve as analysts.
Joining the articulate journalists at the round table was former heavyweight one-hit wonder, Buster Douglas. Douglas had been the first to defeat Tyson, but his reign as world champ was, shall we say, less than memorable.
Douglas was immaculately dressed. But it was obvious he was uncomfortable. Then, that terrible moment came, when ESPN's Charlie Steiner turned to Douglas and asked for his take on the outcome of the fight. Douglas turned to the camera, his eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights of a Mack truck racing toward him at 90 miles an hour. He stammered for words,
and finally came up with "I just don't know what to say," and "it's bizarre." Steiner, sensing the disaster approaching, yanked Douglas from in front of the truck and saved him more embarrassment.
A gifted athlete Douglas may be (or may have been as some might point out), but an analyst he most certainly is not. For future sports casters and station managers, the post-fight
analysis on ESPN was a clear warning. When considering hiring past stars as analysts, be afraid, be very afraid.
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MORE B.S. ON THE TOBACCO FRONT
If you ever doubted that the Clinton Administration's war on the tobacco industry was blatant hypocrisy, check this out: A Florida prison inmate filed suit against the State of Florida for violating his Eighth Amendment Rights. He claims that he is addicted to cigarettes and that the prison refuses to give him nicotine patches so he can quit. We all know how terrible a habit tobacco smoking is, now don't we? It's worse than
heroin. And, after all, the tobacco industry (Joe Camel especially) has enslaved smokers by adding so much stuff to cigs that they get hooked for life.
According to the State of Florida, however, the inmate is not an addict, and that (get this) he is ultimately responsible for his habit. In other words -- screw you, pal. Only unsuspecting kids walking past Joe Camel signs get addicted to cigarettes. We all know that. It's just more
hypocrisy, folks. More B.S. Pure, unadulterated, Bravo Sierra!
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HOW MUCH BETTER LIFE IS WITHOUT THE EVENING NEWS
You know, I stopped watching the network TV news about four months ago. Most nights, I don't even turn the TV on. And you know how that has affected me? Guess.
I have never felt better. Now when I do turn on the TV, and flip through the channels, I get physically sick.
I see Geraldo and Charles Grodin are now considered serious journalists. Both are proof that any moron with the IQ of a sand gnat can get his own show on cable. Watch either one for
five to ten minutes and that much is clear.
Watch any of the network newscasts and you'll get dizzy watching the anchors and reporters spinning the same worn-out yarns that spew from the White House and some Democratic congressmen. They just accept the garbage that the White House puts out and, rather than analyze the validity of the statements, then run to report it as fact.
Consider some simple examples of how the press is completely stupid on this issue:
- Clinton, et al, claim to have put 100,000 new police on the streets
Even the Justice Departmen won't make that stretch. Estimates range from 18 to 35 thousand.
- Clinton promises to tell the American people the truth about the Lewinsky affair
He hasn't done it yet and his continuing claim that he is bound by some gag order and that he cannot comment is a complete crock of shit.
- Ken Starr has wasted 40 million dollars
Justice Department figures put it at 18-million, Lawrence Walsh spent 40-mil on Iran-Contra.
- Ken Starr has spent five years and has nothing to show for it
Ken Starr has over two dozen felony convictions to show for it.
- All Ken Starr cares about is the President's sex life
Ken Starr is looking into allegations that the President asked Monica Lewinsky to lie under oath about their sex life and whether he encouraged Lewinsky to ask Linda Tripp to perjure herself when she testified in the Paula Jones suit.
- Tapes of Web Hubbell's prison phone conversations were edited and transcripts misleading
More bull. The tapes were not edited. All 150 hours of tapes were made available to the media with a log of the highlights. The log failed to include Hubbell's comments that Hillary Clinton was innocent so Burton has been crucified. Fact is, if the reporters were not such lazy asses they would have understood that "log" does not mean "transcript" and they could have heard Hubbell's comments if they had listened to the tapes.
Its no wonder the major mainstream media outlets (NBC, ABC, CBS, Newsweek, major newspapers) are losing viewers, listeners, and readers. (I didn't mention CNN -- the Clinton News Network -- since their ratings were already so miniscule that calling them "major media" would be an insult to the major media). They will continue to lose them as the public's desire to know the truth, not spin, grows and as suspicion mounts that something stinks here.
Instead of seeking the truth as the press did in "Tricky Dick" Nixon's day
they now simply marvel at how well "Slick Willie" Clinton spins out of trouble. Perhaps the press have spun so much that they themselves dont know the truth anymore.
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THE TRUTH IS WORSE
Why would so many people go through what they are forced by this administration to go through?
Why would Susan McDougall choose jail over telling the truth? Why would Web Hubbell go to jail rather than tell the truth? Both had immunity from prosecution but both refused to testify. (McDougall is now asking from complete immunity, even from perjury.)
Why would the Clintons go through life, day after day, hearing their names besmirched, hearing the vulgar jokes, having their character and honesty questioned? If they could put an end to it all don't you think that they would? Bill could destroy all his critics in one fell swoop by simply telling the truth. But he will not. Why?
Simple. The truth is worse.
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YOU WANT TO END GUN VIOLENCE?
Apparently liberals do not. They want a feel-good, emotional response to gun violence. They'd rather have an issue.
It is easier to take guns from the law-abiding citizens than it is from the law-breaking criminals. Nobody wants to consider a logical, common-sense approach.
You will never remove guns from our society. Do you think passing a law will force the gang-bangers and thieves to walk into the local police station and turn their guns over? If you do, I have some property I'd like to show you. The best approach, in my humble opinion, is to toughen laws against crimes involving guns.
Make it costly and painful to commit a crime using a gun. Commit first degree murder using a gun, make it a mandatory death sentence (or life in prison for those wimpy states who don't have the guts to dispose of society's garbage). Tack on 25 or 50 years for lesser crimes like robbery and assault.
If you go the feel-good route and take guns from law-abiding citizens -- who own them for self-protection and pray they will never have to use them -- you will only leave them defenseless against criminals who obtain their weapons illegally and will not be affected by the gun control laws.
Do you want to stop gun violence or make it worse? Gun control laws
only creates a defenseless public and makes it open season for criminals.
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DEATH OF THE TOBACCO DEAL
The tobacco settlement has died. What started out as a measure to help states re-coup medicaid losses and to reduce teen smoking died after becomming a cash cow for big government liberals.
The original settlement was around 360-billion dollars. It included some limits on future lawsuits against the industry and provided for reductions in teen smoking. Then the Federal Government decided it had to have a cut.
There is no public support for the idea of tax increases, so Slick Willie figured that this was a great way to fund pet projects like health care for kids and child care for working parents, etc. Soon the figure, with the help of the liberal Republican Senator John McCain (Ariz.), ballooned to over 500-billion. That was the straw that broke Joe Camel's back. The tobacco companies pulled out of the deal leaving liberals in congress and the White House looking like a bunch of fools.
Greed killed the tobacco deal. Good riddence.
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